Curse this Cursor

I am in a staring contest with something that blinks constantly.  By normal rules I'd have won immediately.  Now I am writing about procrastinating as a new way to procrastinate.  I need to churn out three more pages, worth 30% of my final grade in English Composition. I have been warned that tracings of my middle finger will not be counted in the final page tally.

This was written instead of my final paper

97% on cause and effect essay.  Two review sessions and maybe stop by to watch the delayed speeches for my communications class.  I'm not sure that we're supposed to, today and tomorrow are "reading days."  That makes me want my money back for the two days.  It translates into a five-day weekend two days before break starts.  Two tests, an essay, and a short speech away from Spring Broke and then it's back to labs.  Finally.  I think that I will miss a lot of the people I've been around in my academic classes, though.  It was nice having girls look like girls instead of b\the starchy, all white androgeny that is standard for labs.  All I have done for the past two days is watch Avec Eric, and eat terrible school food.  My knife callus is gone for the first time in almost eight years.  I hope that I haven't gotten weak and soft and forgotten how to cook.

thank you robocop.

I got an A on my wacky persuasive speech!  My class must have fallen in love with animal testing, finally!  Had I known how effective I was, I would have considered further a presentation on why they should all drop out.

Other topics presented included:

iPhone vs Blackberry

Jay-Z vs Lil Wayne

Why You Should Travel the World

Xbox 360 vs PS3

Voting (position on it was pretty unclear until the South Park clip was played that included Pdiddy singing "shake those titties when you vote, bitch")

Pitbulls ("since I was 12years old I've always believed in animal abuse," "temperment has nothing to do with the breed, it has to do with the DNA" and the text on the last slide was "Give a Pit The Chance Thank You :)")

School Uniforms (speeches for and against were given)

and my favorite first slide ever, the topic Astronomy vs Poverty, by the same girl who couldn't conjur the word "shucks" and said "aww... junks"

There was one on the negative side of dating.  She talked for about twenty minutes, played "MASH" and used a substitute for an f-bomb about one minute before there was a slide that had it typed out and she was reading "fuck my life" and using it in other applications.  It was hilarious.  she also played "why you asking all them questions?" for us on YouTube.  I had never seen it before, but it was a nice addition to the class period.


NOW there is one more short speech to give, one very daunting paper to press on with, a test in math that I am not ready for, and a test on genetics. Then we are finished with academics for the year.  I don't want to do it again next year, but I don't think that they'll just let me not.

those boots were made for knockin'

I am fucked.  The final paper for English Comp is 30% of our grade, and I'm still not clear on what kind of a treatmen I need to give it, just that it needs to be 3-3 1/2 pages explaining the educational system's influence on people's fear of admission of ignorance.  Fitting that I've not asked for help.

In other news, I recieved and e-mail today from the Graduate resident assistant, or whatever the hell his title is, addressing the fact that Friday night the plexiglass behind the desk was broken and nobody has come forward with information on what happened, and we're all going to get charged for it.  It probably works out to about forty cents/person, but still, fuck that shit!  The desk is staffed twenty-four hours per day.  Let the people that are supposed to be monitoring the situation pay for the stuff that they probably broke themselves.  I want my forty cents, dammit!

Paging Dr RoboCop...

I gave my speech today.  I don't think that it reflected that I had written my outline/note card during the preceding speeches.  I am also fairly certain that nobody doubted the credibility of my reference to Dr. Alex Murphy.  I just went ahead and put "Dr." in front of RoboCop's human name.  I couldn't find names of real doctors who supported animal testing to cite.  Also, somebody should make RoboDoc.

with his report complete, he should be ready to return to his planet

This will be reposted after the class has ended.  I do not want to know what retaliation would come of his paper being declared plagiarised because I posted the rough draft.  I am also considering usin a pseudonym on public forums.

So sad.

I don't want to advertise this for fear of coming off as vain, but I don't think that anyone has looked at it.  I don't as much mind coming off as crazy, as this would mean that I am talking to myself if this concern is accurate.  That's great.

caught on tape!

"It sounds like there's marbles in it" and "I feel like my head's empty" were outside of my timing and available storage.  Tragic.  What's more tagic is this blog's refusal to upload my nature footage of the elusive Craig Factor.

do not mention cannibalism.

Suspicions comfirmed, I did in fact make a critical error in talking to Creepmaster Daniel.  Today whe he showed up to class, pimples in tow, he sat right baside me.  Perfect, because now I was able to avoid eye-contact and since we were doing peer evaluations in a big circle, he should only talk when it's his turn.  Rather than that, I got to hear mutterings of "gang raped by banshees" during a review of a cause and effect paper.  It did not fit the context.  While discussing hazing, he started talking in a hushed creaky voice about how "they tried to haze (him) on two of (his) wrestling teams..."  I have never concentrated on anything harder than I did on what the girl talking about her paper was saying, whatever that was.  I tuned out whatever the creep to my left was saying.  There is a good chance that anything I dreamed up is worse than whatever he was saying, but what is the hazing like for a sport where you have to wear a unitard and fight with strangers while everybody watches?  What happened on that mat that made Creepmaster Daniel the monster that he is today?

research paper excerpts

Calcium Lactate is listed as “pregnancy risk class C”, meaning that one should always use a contraceptive when implementing this dirty birdy in the spherification process. Or that no controlled studies have been conducted to evaluate potential effects of calcium lactate on a fetus. As it is sometimes found secreted from ripening cheeses, babies should be fine with it. Babies love cheese.

When the hydrocolloids get together with their bath buddy calcium, the network at the perimeter of the liquid makes permanent its structure, gelling and lending discipline to what would otherwise be a puddle on a plate

In the increasingly popular Bizarro method, or “reverse spherification”, the calcium is thoroughly blended into the liquid to be consumed, and the hydrocolloid is dissolved in the bath.  The advantage to the reverse method is that with the hydrocolloid on the outside, the gelling of the contents of the orb cannot progress any further and the spheres can be held without fear of the liquid solidifying.  All that comes of prolonged exposure to the gelling agent is a tougher membrane.  In the case of reverse spherification, the finished product can be held successfully in an oil or liquid, or a pocket if you’re feeling bold.

nobody wondered 'bout nobody

We were told last week that our English class would be meeting in the Friedman building for Monday's class.  This is the building that the liiibarry in.  We have met in the libarry several other times without difficulty.  We were told that we would be meeting in this building and going upstairs to some little rooms that I had never seen before, and meeting one-on-one with our professor to discuss our standings in the class.  I'm at a strong B+, and she said that I can easily nab another A in this class.  That is a digression.  I went to the library, where I saw many classmates.  I sat down with a confirmed weirdo whos good side I would like to be on when he decides to lose his shit.  I immediately noticed that our reliably punctual teacher was not there.  I gripped up a Cooks Illustrated, read through it for a little bit and axed "is this lady here, or what?"  Creepmaster Daniel said "no" showed his prowess in the pause department, and continued "if she's not here in the next fifteen minutes I'm leaving."  Sounds like a plan, why wait?
Observing everyone's disinterest, I asked if anyone had checked upstairs, being careful to avoid eye contact, not wanting to provoke a charge.  "No" of course not.  Thank you for administering a "why would we do that/what is wrong with you" stare from those wideset peepers.  Holy shit, "uh, how do you get up there?" "You go that way, then that way then there's a door and then you go up the staaaairs."  It was just as clear with the gestures, so I ended up in some off-to-the-side office where a very nice lady gave me human instructions.  I went upstairs, explored the beautiful new playground that I was discovering, and through a glass wall noticed the long blonde '80s mop that belonged to our absent teacher.  I went in and was greeted more warmly than I expected.  "I take it we're not meeting in the library..."  "Nope, is that what you guys thought?"  "It sure looks that way, would you like me to go get everybody?"  Nah, fuck it, Matt, let's just bro it on down "would you mind?"  Of course not.
Back at the book place I grabbed my coat and annonced that we were supposed to be upstairs.  It broke my heart having to give them the news, the looked so darned happy.  I went back to the stairs along with maybe two others while the rest of the class, I don't know how many, turned the other way to see how many idiots could fit in an elevator.
The individual meetings, at least mine, lasted about thirty seconds each.  What makes me happy is seeing how happy everybody was not questioning the situation.  Our teacher asked if we head gotten her e-mail.  I had not, and I'd checked about eight minutes before class.
Ignorance being equal to bliss, everyone seemed to be totally ignorant without each other.  It's nice to see such a level of independence in people.

Puppy Bowl Sunday!

Everybody was very excited, in one way or another, about the Giants winning the Puppy Bowl today/yesterday.  I'm pretty sure that there were multiple cryers.  At least that and this proved the distractions I was looking for.  I did not need much convincing, I knew then the same thing I'll demonstrate now and probably forever; I don't want to do homework. 
   I'm glad that I was surrounded by a hive of eighteen-year-olds that give a shit about "things and stuff" and in a part of the country so catalyzed by the New York vs. New England match-up. 
   Craig skipped a wing eating contest because they were too hot.  They were just Buffalo and he didn't even try them.  I am convinced that he is allergic to bold flavor.  He also jumped ship on a raffle for an x-box 360 and I-don't-know what else because he doesn't need that stuff and had already lost the first two drawings.  There were two more, and yes, you have to be present to win. 
   I have been more constructive and decided to rebrand chicken wing eating competitions as "chicken eating pageants" or "meat-chugging expositions."  Pretty happy about that. 
   My resarch paper on spherification has turned out to be an abusive lover.  Key terms in expressing what happens when who does what to what and why it does this has lead me to a very long and numbing exploration of hydrocolloids (available here--> http://www.cookingissues.com/primers/hydrocolloids-primer/ ).  It is a website brought to us by some of the brilliant minds over at the FCI, one of the schools that I am destined to forever wonder if I should have attended instead of the lovely JWU.  I was put off by the 10,000 dollar/month tuition paired with having to find a place to stay in NYC.  That still would have been cheaper in the long run, as their program is only an intense six months.
   I also found myself daydreaming about what kind of classmates I might have found myself among at FCI. I assume that they are driven, focussed, and functionally literate. 
   I was just interrupted by my child-minded little buddy seeking reluctant advice.  "what does this mean?" 
   It means don't fucking talk to me while I have headphones on.  "I don't know" it's not my homework.  His teacher wanted individual portions.  The first thing on the page is "Yields 4 Servings."  "Divide everything by four" I says to him, I says.
   "Oh, I just divide everything by four to get the individual servings."
   It wasn't really a question anymore, more a mission statement.  "Yes."
   "Okay.  Thanks."
   No, no, thank you.  Thank you for the irreversible harm being suffered by my internal systems as a result of internalizing rage and confusion.  Think of it as homeostasis versus homo-erectus.
At least it was a few more minutes of neglect for me to show my paper. 

respect

"It's quiet hours, gonna close your door." The foot attached to an RA pushed the recycling bin propping our door open back into our room as the hand pulled the door shut as the mouth attached to the resident was saying "please and thank you."  That was meant to tell them to ask and/or wait for confirmation.  Who would expect somebody who is still wearing shorts in February (him, not me) to be so unpolished!?  This is an RA who, at one point, thought it was a good idea to casually divulge in my presence how offensive he found the word "retarded."  He stated that he himself has a "severe learning disability."  Fucking retard has probably let information like that get out before.  He's probably just being dramatic about ADD anyway.  Robocop and Robocop II were battling their epic battle, and some jackass retard is going to interrupt?  Somebody who's scholarship, for wandering around in shorts, opening and closing doors once a week, cancels out their cost of housing and gets them a private room is going to interrupt the glorious ballet that is Robocop II?  To hell with that!  Putting idiots in control sets a horrid and all-too-realistic example for the impressionable little dummies running around this school. Now they are going to learn how to get ahead by whining and snitching and being rude.  If anyone thinks that I'm going to take this laying down, they're right, because I will not stand for such injustice!  Also, it is pretty late, I guess, and if I don't get enough sleep, I do get cranky.  I still don't think no mental nincompoops ought have not range nor say over my behavior.

you idiot

"Matt, someone's having sex upstairs" Craig professed in a whispered yell upon my return from the bathroom.  "What?"  "Someone's having sex upstairs, I heard it" he continued, pointing to the cieling, like direction was the confusing part of the conversation for me.  "You mean on the roof?" I asked.  He continued to point, like I just didn't get it.  Nikki sat up, rephrasing my question, "Craig, how many floors does this building have, what floor are we on?"  The answer to both is 2.  He looked back, then returned to staring at me with those blank, retarded eyes, pointing at a cieling tile the whole time.  After about forty minutes of processing the situation, he finally blinked and said that "it sounded like it was coming from upstairs."  Then I heard the creaking of John Mayer and the acoustic tunes of a cheap bunkbed coming through the wall from next door.  He asserted "someone's having really loud sex on the roof."  At least he understood by now that this was not the actual case.  Hopefully.  .  Craig immediately declared "he lost it," snickering, "someone just lost it."  The John Mayer is still playing, or whoever the hell it is, maybe it's that new Curtis Mayfield tape, bass-heavy and deadened by the cardboard walls that I have to hear it through.  A soothing soundtrack to my dreamy night at JWU.

I am learn good!

   I felt alright about our test on cell structure, protein synthesis, lipids, diseases, and the lot.  I got a 95%, which is nice, then looked on uLearn and saw that the average score was below 60%.  I seem to have retained some of my best-guess-test-bless, but the babies seem to be stuck in a fat mess of forgetfullness, yes?  Not to devalue an entire group of people, by any means.  Some of them did very well.  As for the majority of the students here, I don't think that they have anything to worry about.  The massive debt that we are incurring should prove ample motivation to work hard once we are all out of here, I just can't wait to see what the dropout rate is after internships.

   Who would hire such a shite, lazy bunch?  No worries!  Every ladder needs a bottom rung.

  This observation should facilitate the next paper I have to do for English.  It will be the first cause and effect essay I have ever written, and the topic I have chosen is "homeliness."

   First, six pages on spherification are due in one week.  First-first, the math I need to learn for the test tomorrow!  ooooops